Top 10 Worst Bus Trips

All long bus rides are the same. The operators take a nice bus that would comfortably seat 35 and fit 92 people in it with everything they ever owned. My 6'5" body does not bode well in seats designed for people who are much shorter. Usually they go over the worst roads, stop at dangerously bad food stops and generally make the whole experience so unpleasant that it takes several days to recover. At a certain point, I learned to avoid the long bus rides at all costs. Once you take enough of them, you learn to save more money before the start of your travels and fly instead. Today, I would do everything I could do avoid one of these bus trips, including not going to some of these places. But, my frugalness at the time resulted in some interesting rides, and left me with quite a few memories…

Nairobi to Mombassa, Kenya

This trip was done at night in a bus without headlights. When the driver saw another bus coming on the one lane freeway, they would swerve left to right to attract the other vehicle’s attention. Every time we stopped, all the men had to get out and push-start the bus while the women waited outside. On one occasion we had just pushed the bus and it moved 50 meters and waited for us. Walking back the bus (in the dark) I overhead the Swahili the men who were talking and it sounded something like "Mabunga Ta Don Keto Simbas Tonga Wapino." Having just watched The Lion King I picked out the operative word and simultaneously all the men looked at the dark bushes and came to the same conclusion. We all made a panicked dash to the bus, pushing all the women out of the way in the rush for safety.

Bolivia to Peru

At the stop for dinner I practiced my bad Spanish by ordering what I thought was hot chocolate : "coco con leche." What I got was cocaine leaves in hot milk and what it gave me was the worst diarrhea possible. The bus had to stop midway in the trip to repair damages and I ventured out in the flat plains to go to the bathroom. So much pressure had built up that I couldn't do anything without doing everything. But there was nowhere to hide and all the bus was watching me. So I took it like a man and suffered the last three hours of the bumpy trip, nearly destroying the toilet upon arrival.

Inter-China Trip

Here I thought I was being really smart… The Chinese have overnight buses, which have beds in them. I would simply cozy up and go to sleep and arrive fresh the next day. What they didn't tell me is that the beds were made for midgets and the Chinese are the noisiest people around. The night was full of snoring, spitting, farting, coughing, burping, and noisy arguments. What more the bus broke down so many times it took two nights to arrive and nearly two days to recover once I got there.

Inter-Malowi Trip

I had arrived at the station to realize that there were hundreds of people (with tickets) all trying to get on the same bus. To get on the bus, I had to sneak on top and climb under bags of dried fish and hide for hours. Every bump meant another sifting of fish parts being ground into me. I pity the fool who had to sleep in the same bed after I did that night.

Inter-Uganda Trip

I had just got back from seeing the mountain gorillas at the Rwanda border and hitched a ride into a small town where I crashed at the only available place, the local brothel. It wasn't so nice, nasty prostitutes were trying to rub against me as I passed through hallways. When I went into the bathroom to take a bucket shower I found a stack of used condoms (in 1994 HIV transmission mechanisms weren't fully known and a Ugandan brothel wasn't the most comforting place to be). To top it off, people tried to break into my room at night and I slept scared with the bed against the door and a club in my hand. This was definitely a place to leave and I was catching the weekly bus in the morning. But, come morning, I overslept in long enough to hear the beeping of the bus departing. I got up with the terrible thought of spending more time at my current location. But luck finally struck and I was able to hitch a ride on a truck. An hour out of town, we came upon the original bus I had missed—which had hit a heard of cattle. People and long horned African cows were scattered everywhere. Had I caught the bus, I would have sat in the front seat (the only one in which I ever fit) and surely died a horrible death. In African tradition, we kept moving past the wreck without stopping to help. Lesson learned: never get down on yourself for sleeping in.

Mombasa to Lamu, Kenya

This trip was 110km (75 miles) and took 11 hours. Just after "Operation Restore Hope" (aka operation further fuck up Somalia) bandits had taken to robbing this stretch of road and rumor had it they liked to rape men. I had duct taped my passport and money to my ass, hoping if they got that far they would be distracted enough for me to run. I was traveling with two South Africans and we managed to buy two seats, so one of us took turns sitting on laps. Whenever the road got dangerous, the police escort would disappear and the entire bus would become bug-eyed looking for bandits. (An entire bus full of bug-eyed Africans would be pretty comical in any other situation.) On the way home I caught an Arabian Dhow (a sailboat) instead, lashing myself to a load of mango poles, with the hope that I wouldn’t get clubbed and thrown overboard. All of this, when the flight was less than $40. Today… I would take the flight.

Turkey to Syria

The busses in Turkey are great, except I had the bad luck of getting sick with nasty diarrhea and having to use the on board bathroom a dozen times. The bathroom was located by the on board attendant’s sleeping loft and he wasn't so happy with me. At every stop he would explain (in Turkish) to the entire bus how bad I smelled and then point to me with his fingers clenched around his nose. My first thoughts were of hurting this man (I am an American after all) but later in the bus trip I figured out that my asshole could produce a far worse punishment.

Peru to Chile

Again, I was taking the night bus instead of the flight, which costs about the same as a parking ticket in the U.S. Starting out in the heat of the afternoon, the temperature steadily fell until I put on every piece of clothing and got into my sleeping bag in my bus seat to keep from freezing. I couldn't balance too well inside my “mummy bag” and large bumps would send me bouncing like a pinball.

Nepal to India

This was my first overnight bus trip and I thought I could make it easier by downing several Valium before takeoff. Sometime during the middle of the night, my seat broke and I ended up passed out in the aisle. I groggily awoke in the night with luggage and fruit piled on me. During the next stop I got out and climbed on the roof. Luck rewarded me with a brilliant sunrise over Indian farmlands.

African Minivans

Minivans are throughout Africa and are about the same as in the U.S. The Africans, however, take a minivan which would comfortably fit 6 and make it uncomfortably fit 19. Then, madman drives it as fast as possible in a place where most cars are held together with duct tape and wire and the only functioning component is the horn. Another boy helps push more people in. The Swahili word for these minivans is "Matatu," ironically similiar to "Hakuna Matata" the Swahili phrase for "No Problem." But there are lots of problems and you sit with sweaty, smelly flesh pushed up against you, praying.